bata, bata paano ka tumanda?

- On Childhood Trauma, The People - Pleaser trap, Hyper- Independence, Avoidant Attachment, Patterns we must break to Grow

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Lately, iniisip ko yung past versions ko simula childhood.

As much as gusto ko isipin siya in pure nostalgia, I can’t help but to connect it to the noticing patterns in myself and wonder, saan nga ba ‘to kasi nagsimula?

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Childhood Era 1: Batang Maynila

Picture this as a ‘90s baby, luckily enough meron naman akong typical na Pinoy childhood story. Batang lumaki sa labas ng init ng araw kaya sobrang itim ko noon. Tanda ko pa tinatawag akong ‘Nognog’ kasi nga sobrang itim ko (hahahaha). Yes! I’m that girl na naubutan pa yung chinese garter, tumbang preso, langit lupa, 10-20, paper dolls. Iconic ‘90s babies knew how intense yung ‘showdown’ ng Spaghetti Pababa at pagsayaw ng Otso Otso lalo na tuwing birthday party. Yung Hampas Palayok kung saan naka blind flold ka tapos you need to hit the pot while hearing all the contradicting directions from the people around you. Isa pa, yung Pa-Bitin na palaro kung saan kailangan tumalon at abutin yung prizes, grabe pagiging competitive ko noon at that age. Tapos, di rin mawawala yung big rectangular mocha cake flavor na color bright red yung icing greetings (hahahaha) na tuwing may birthday ganon mostly designs ng mga cake.

Peak childhood, no cap.

Pero kasi bukod sa fun part ng childhood na ‘to, isa rin ako sa batang lumaki na very good ka kapag kumakain ka ng gulay, natulog ka sa tanghali + bonus na papayagan ka makipaglaro sa labasan. Di natulog sa tanghali = Walang Laro. Ito ata yung Classic Pinoy Parenting Starter Pack.

Isa sa mga madalas na sinasabi sa akin ng mga nakakatanda noon, I rarely fought back daw. Kapag may umaaway sa akin, di daw ako gumaganti. Umuuwi lang daw ako ng tahimik at nakasimangot buong araw sa bahay. Gets na daw ng mga tao sa bahay na may nang away sa akin kapag nakita nila akong ganoon. Akala ko dati simpleng pag-iwas ko lang yun sa gulo, pero…

unti-unti na pala ako natututong manahimik kahit may gusto akong sabihin.

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Childhood Era 2: Batang Saudi

Part 1

This era hits different. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa nga noon, aalis lang kami para mag mall. Di ko alam na titira pala kami sa ibang bansa. Si Papa yung kumuha sa amin ni mama sa Saudi since andon yung work niya. Dahil ako yung bunso at di pa nag aaral that time sa magkakapatid, ako yung napiling isama.

For a 5 years old child, this Saudi era felt a completely different world.

I was enrolled in an International School. Feeling ko dati main child character energy because everything felt bigger, newer and more exciting than anything I had known before.

Kaso (ayun lang — may kaso haha), that was also the first time I became aware that people could you see as different. Literal na “Para naman Others” 😭

Since International ngani, naalala ko we’re consisted of : American, Canadian, Indian, Arabian, Egyptian, Syrian and Filipinos sa loob ng klase. Looking back, it should have been a beautiful experience. Most of the time, it was.

But it’s also where I first encountered discrimination because Pinoy kami. Buti na lang, 3 kaming Pinoy that time so feeling ko may mga kakampi pa rin ako kahit papaano. We were teased for our accents whenever we spoke English. Sometimes our lunches were mocked kasi di nila gets yung baon namin. Funny enough, I still remember feeling embarassed over Pinoy dishes that I now proudly crave as an adult. (Duh, ang sarap-sarap kaya ng pagkain Pinoy!)

Well, ayun nga..

Children can be cruel talaga without fully understanding why. But sometimes adult too..

Part 2

Isa sa mga cleariest memory ko doon, di lang sa kaklase eh.

It was about a teacher.

Sa Social Studies subject, we had a recitation. When my turn came, I made a mistake.

A small mistake that children are supposed to make.

Ang naalala ko na lang, nag froze ako when my teacher literally hit me with that (encyclopedia thick-like) book directly to my head. It’s an absolute public humiliation since after that, I heard a complete chuckles from my classmates. Suddenly, it strucked me hard na “Nakakahiya pala magkamali.”

So from this,

I treated failure as something to fear instead of something to learn from.

I know sa ganitong situation, I should have really told my parents about it. But since bata ngani na napangunahan ng takot, ang unang pumasok sa utak ko was to encouraged my parents to send me to a private tutor because from that moment, I really wanted to excel and show them that I can do better — which did, in fact, happen successfully.

From C’s to straight A’s sa class card, nakasama rin ako sa top 10, nanalo sa mga contests. After that, masaya lagi sila mama at papa sa akin. Laging ako may compliments. Nag iba na turing sa akin ng mga teachers and classmates. I gained more friends. I became popular. People seemed to love me more when I was flawless. May na built akong subconcious rule from this…

Consistent A efforts = Valued, Loved, Accepted, Therefore bawal magkamali.

It turned my life into a constant state of reaching for the next high bar just to keep everyone happy and proud about my existence.

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Reality Check: HS and SHS, College Era (Ultimate High Performer o Perfectionist? + People Pleaser, Hyper Independent )

Pinanghawakan ko talaga yung rule na yon…

Umikot ata buong high school life until college ko sa pagiging A performer student.

• ^{Class Officer}

• ^{SSG Officer}

• ^{Achiever in Class}

• ^{Active sa mga Clubs}

• ^{Active Joiner sa mga Art related contest: Spoken Poetry, Poster Making, Essay Making Contests}

I held onto this reality so hard, not realizing I was just stuck in a loop of people-pleasing. But I don’t know if ‘people pleaser’ is the right term for it.

To be fair there were benefits naman, but the older I got, the more I realized there was something sad underneath all that ambition and success:

I fvcking didn't really know who I was

_{Image credit}

Who am I outside of other people’s opinion?

Kilalang - kilala ko sarili ko kapag nakakagawa ako ng tama. Pero sino ako at anong tingin ko sarili ko pag nagkamali ako?

And maybe…

This could possibly explains why ang bilis ko mag self - blame. My inner dialogue immediately shifts into interrogation mode:

• “Dapat alam mo kasi yan”

• “Dahil sayo yan.”

• “Ikaw kasi eh.”

And, alam niyo super ironic. Kapag sa ibang tao, sa ganitong sitwasyon, I’m always the first person to remind them to be kind to themselves. But somewhow, I always excluded myself from the same compassion I freely gave to everyone else.

Watdapak, right?

I also think na this is where my dark side of being hyper-independent took over. When you feel like you have to do everything yourself, and you're fully aware that you're the only one carrying the load, there's no one else to share the blame. So kapag nagkanda - leche leche na, you end up blaming yourself on the deepest level possible. Kasi nga,

Who else is there to blame? It’s just you.

Sadly, that’s the thing about being hyper-independent. It makes you forget you’re just a human. Tao ka.

But hey, alam ko mabigat yung mga salitang binitawan ko but here’s a gentle reminder to all the readers: it’s normal to have days that feels like our best is less than we hoped for. Di lahat ng bagay kaya natin alamin in a snap so patawarin mo sarili mo sa mga bagay na di mo pa naaabot, di mo pa nagagawa at di mo pa nalalaman dahil panahon lang naman rin ang makakapagturo sayo lahat ng ito.

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BALAY: THE ALPHA

Akala ko dati noong mga panahon na yan kaya ako umiiwas sa mga gulo and shits kasi ganoon ang pagiging matured. Pero kasi na realized ko hindi ko lang pala talaga alam kung paano sabihin at harapin yung mga iba’t ibang masasakit na emosyon.

Dahil…

Wala naman umupo sa tabi ko noong bata ako para sabihin:

“Okay lang..”

“Okay lang maging malungkot…”

“Okay lang magalit…”

“Okay lang magkamali..”

“Okay lang maging di magaling”

Lalo na being a child, on my experience before, pag sumagot ka, bastos ka. Kapag umiyak ka, ma-drama ka. Kapag may masakit, okay lang yan kahit ang totoo di mo na talaga kaya. But the truth was: it really hurts and di lang siya madadaan sa salitang ‘Kaya mo yan’.

I don’t need them to tell me I can do it. I need them to tell how I can do it. I don’t need them to tell me I’m strong, I need them to teach me how to be strong.

There’s a world of difference between empty praise and receiving actual guidance.

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AVOIDANT FERSON KA DAW?

_{|Disclaimer: I know, guys it’s bad to self- diagnose 😭 But pls let me share a few details about why I feel like I developed this avoidant side of myself because of this}|

So dahil ngani, walang nag guide dati at mali ang guide na pinanghawakan (pakshet).

Whenever I’m overwhelmed and there’s situations na ni-rerequire ako ng agad agaran na emotional response, teh- nag shu-shutdown ako.

Kasi I don’t feel safe enough to process everything in real time. So instead of moving closer, I pull away. Instead of confronting, I retreat. All because I feel spacing out feels safer than vulnerability.

And avoidants (at least for me) we know naman what to do but we just can’t function in real time. Humaharap na lang kami when we feel okay, when we feel safe.

And from the outside, it could look like an: ego, pride, coward, selfish and to sum it up: exhausting and unfair.

Indeed, it’s both unfair, emotionally & mentally exhausting kasi most of the time kayo yung naiiwan sa ere para maghintay, nag i-initiate to fix things para matapos na.

_{POV: Me to my Avoidant Side}

And guys, I learned about this in a very hard way. Like incredibly hard. Ultra mega hard. I’ve lost relationships because of it. I’ve lost friendship because of it.

This is something that I will never be proud of. I’m sorry for all the people I’ve hurt just because I chose to hid behind my walls.

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DAMING ADS, ANO NA NGA?

So everything that happened, I feel like that was all my survival strategies. From being a kid, teens, in 20’s up to present I feel like we are really bound to fvck things up and we won’t fvck up just once but several times until it slaps us in the face as a pattern. A pattern that we need to be aware of, understand, analyze in a healthy way so we can break the cycle and finally grow.

Di natin kasalanan na nasaktan tayo at may nagkulang sa atin, but healing becomes our responsibility.

Some people who care will come but they won’t rescue. Clearly it’s not their job, so claim full responsibility for ourselves.

To age is inevitable but to grow is a choice. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. Yes, we’re once a victims but our wounds is not a valid excuse to neglect emotional maturity or to simply avoid accountability for our behaviors.

Growing and healing is accepting that pain is also present on it. We just have to face it and feel it. It takes courage to be willing to stand still and outgrow unnurtured versions of ourselves. Go with the flow, even when the flow takes and reminds us through the most uncomfortable feelings.

After all,

Bata, bata kung Paano ka Ginawa is one thing. Paano ka Tatanda is another.

^{Check niyo rin yung tula ko about Adulting pressures ^^}

Dito tayo: Pangkat-Apat